


The Cutter

by NarryLover77



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 04:44:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1213177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarryLover77/pseuds/NarryLover77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a cut.<br/>Just a scratch.<br/>"What's that mark?"<br/>"It's just my cat."<br/>Just an excuse.<br/>Just a lie.<br/>"What's with all the bracelets?"<br/>"Its a fashion, why?"<br/>Just a tear.<br/>Just a scream.<br/>"Why are you crying?"<br/>"Just a bad dream?"<br/>But it's not just a cut.<br/>Or a tear.<br/>Or a lie.<br/>It's always 'just one more' until you die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Niall was just your everyday guy. He loved food, music, girls (or so he thought) and hanging out with his friends.  
Now, Niall didn't really mean to fall in love with Harry but it kind of just happened..  
It was a regular school day and Niall was running late. He grabbed his bag and stuffed part of his bagel into his mouth. He dashed out the door and ran to school. As he arrived at the foyer he looked around. Empty.  
Which only meant one thing.  
"Late." Came someone's voice.  
Niall spun around to see the one and only Zayn.  
"Thank god it's you Zayn..." Niall said in relief.  
Zayn looked amused. And with a smile he said, "Why're you late, Horan?"  
Niall closed his eye's, "Slept in...again.."  
Zayn had that stupid smirk on his face still, "Give me your student pass."  
Niall sighed and reached into his pocket and handed Zayn his torn up, battered student pass.  
Zayn wrote a check on it and waved him off, "Oh you. Winters wants you in his office. Now.""  
Niall nodded and headed towards principal Winters office. He pushed open the door.  
"You wanted to see me?" Niall said.  
Winters looked up, "Yes have a seat."  
Niall nodded and dropped his bag then sat down. Winters was in his mid 20's and had brown hair that he styled like a young man, his blue eye's were dull, and he drove many of the girls crazy. A lot of the girl's here had a crush on him. They flirted with him, and the sick thing was, he flirted back.  
"I want you to show a newbie around." Winters said.  
"Why me? You stick all the new kids on me!" Niall said.  
Winters had a tight smile, "Maybe you should have thought about that before you set your desk on fire."  
"That was a total accident!" Niall said louder.  
Winters waved him off, "Whatever. Anyways, this kid, uhmm.." he shuffled through some papers, "Names Harry. He's your age, you have almost all your classes together.."  
Niall looked up as the door opened and then closed.  
A guy, tall, skinny, fit brown curly hair that he styled in an interesting way, walked in.  
"Are you principal Winters?" The curly haired boy asked.  
Damn. That kid had a deep voice. And an accent. British.  
Winters smiled, "Yes I am. This is your tour guide, Niall."  
Harry turned and looked at Niall, with a smile he said, "Harry."  
Niall looked him over, he had on a plain white T-shirt under a blue long sleeved flannel, skin right black jeans, chucks and a grey beanie.  
Niall smiled, "Niall."  
After Winters went of his schedule, he sent them away. Niall was to give him a tour of the school.  
"Your locker is a few down from mine, so you can put your stuff away." Niall said.  
Harry nodded, "Alright" he smiled.  
Niall opened his locker and pulled out his snapback and placed it on his head.  
Harry had opened his locker and was putting his stuff away.  
Niall walked to him, "So where are you from?"  
Harry smiled, "Not many places really..well, places that you wouldn't care about. I'm from Florida...well that's where I was last."  
"You move a lot?" Niall asked.  
Harry nodded, "My mum say's this place is the one." he closed his locker, "But she's been saying that for the past few years."  
Niall patted his back, "Hopefully you will stay."  
"Hopefully." Harry said.

* * *

(Harry's POV)

Harry sat in math class, tapping his pen and staring at he clock. Another 25 more minutes of this hell. Might as well write. He pulled out his red notebook and opened to a clean page.  
He pulled out his black gel pen and began to write, 

"Journal,  
We moved. Again. What else is new? Oh well, I met this boy today. He's pretty cute but I'm not going to get my hopes up. The school is pretty nice. It's big and there are ALOT of people. They have rules, which nobody follows and from what I hear is that you can fail the grade and they'll still pass you to the next grade. Interesting. Anyways, mum is doing a lot better since she dumped that freak she called her 'boyfriend' Gemma is heading off to college. so it's just me and mum. The house we live in is nice. It's red with white shutters and it's actually pretty big. It's about three minutes away from the school so until I get my car, I don't have a long walk. But the best part about this school is that blonde haired kid. He's really nice. He has dazzling blue eye's and a thick accent. He's also pretty funny. I hope we can stay friends,. But that probably won't happen. When he finds out who I really am, he'll probably just run away..they all do..because 'being gay is not right.' whatever. Like at my old school. Everyone picked on me for being the gay kid. .what's wrong with being gay? As my mum says, nothings wrong with gay's. But if she knew the things the kids had said to me, and what that drove me to do, she'd understand. Because, there's only so much bracelets and long sleeves can hide."

If I don't write in you tomorrow, just know I've finally ended my worthless, pathetic life.

-Harry

* * * 

Niall's POV

Niall had never found himself in this situation. Pizza. Or chicken.  
Niall was just about to just grab pizza when Harry walked up to him.  
"Harry." Niall smiled at him.  
Harry grinned back, "Hey Niall."  
"You want to sit with me?" Niall asked.  
Harry glanced around, "Uhm, sure."  
Niall grinned, "Great. We're the table way in the back, you won't miss it." he smiled. After that he walked back to his table and dropped his tray next to Liam.  
Liam was in a deep conversation with his girlfriend Danielle. Niall looked towards Louis who was talking to Zayn.  
Perrie was busy with Eleanor.  
A tray dropped across from him.  
Niall looked up, "Found us." he smiled.  
Harry sat down, "Yes I did."  
Danielle and Liam stopped talking. Zayn and Louis stopped talking. Perrie and Eleanor stopped talking. Everyone at the table stopped talking.  
Niall smiled, "This is Harry. He's new here." he smiled.  
Harry glanced at everyone, "Hi."  
Louis smiled, "I'm Louis."  
Zayn nodded, "Zayn."  
"Liam." Liam smiled at him.  
"And that's Danielle, Perrie and Eleanor." Niall said pointing at each girl as he said their name.  
Harry nodded, "I'll try to remember." he laughed.  
Niall smiled at him and everyone went back to talking. Niall looked as Bella walked up.  
Bella smiled, "Who's your friend Niall?"  
"Harry." Niall said.  
"Hi Harry, I'm Bella." Bella smiled at him.  
Bella was what you could call, a slut.  
She slept with almost every guy in the school. Niall was pretty sure, he, Zayn Louis and now Harry were they only one's who haden't.  
It was only because Bella was good looking. Curly blonde hair, jade green eye's, nice legs, nice body.  
Probably STD's.  
Like really. She had been under more sheets than the KKK.  
Harry smiled, "Hi." he didn't seem into her.  
Bella sat down, "If you ever want to sit with some...normal people, sit with me and my friends. She winked at him.  
"Thanks..but no thanks." Harry said and turned back to Niall, "Can you show me where my locker is again?"  
Niall stood and nodded, "See you Bella."  
As Harry and Niall walked down the hallway, they turned to the bathroom.  
"I'll be out in a sec." Harry said.  
Niall nodded and waited by the sinks.  
As Harry walked out he gave a nervous glance at Niall. He rolled up his sleeve a little, not much.  
"If you don't roll it up more, you'll get you shirt wet.." Niall pointed out.  
Harry nodded, "I know.." he rolled it up a little more.  
Niall frowned, what was he hiding?"  
Harry sucked in and rolled it up a little more, hopefully hai bracelets covered everything.  
His sleeves were a little past his wrist. And the red cuts were visible.  
And from the shocked look on Niall's face, he saw them.  
Harry turned to him, "So I guess you know.."  
"You...cut?" Niall asked.  
Harry nodded.  
Niall pulled him back into the bathroom, "Show me."  
Harry sighed, and rolled up his sleeves to his elbows. He turned his wrist's over.  
Niall looked up and down Harry's arm. It was covered in red cuts, and under it you could see the one's that had begun to fade away. The cut's ran up Harry's arm to where his elbow was. Niall stared at him, "Why do you cut....?"  
Harry rolled his sleeves back down.  
"If you knew...you wouldn't talk to me.." Harry said leaning against the wall.  
Niall closed his eye's, "Tell me."  
Harry sighed, "Niall...I'm..."  
The door opened and Louis' head popped in, "Bell rang."  
Niall nodded as Louis left, he turned to Harry.  
"What were you saying?"  
Harry shook his head, "It's nothing. Don't worry about it.."  
Niall watched Harry push open the door and leave him there, with about a million questions.

* * *

(Harry's POV)

Harry laid in his bed, with his iPod crank up. He stared at the ceiling as the song played through. He opened the draw next to his bed. He stared inside it. A razor. Knife. Pills. Vodka. Rope. Everything that helped him get through his life.  
A razor for cuts that stung badly.  
A knife for quick, clean cuts.  
Pills I'm case he needed to end it all.  
Vodka to take away the pain.  
Rope in case he went to the next level.

But for now all he needed was the knife. He shoved his iPod into his pocket, with the ear buds still in, he walked to the bathroom and stared at his reflection.

He held out his arm and looked at the knife. 

One cut. For being useless.

Two cuts. For being gay.

Three cuts. For being delusional.

Four cuts. For watching his dad beat him mum.

Five cuts. For doing nothing.

Six cuts. For being a mistake.

Seven cuts. For that damned Bella girl.

Eight cuts. For the bullies from schools.

Nine cuts. For being himself.

Ten cuts. For liking Niall.

Harry stopped and dropped the knife. He felt light headed. The blood was dripping from the sink to the floor. He smiled at the pain. He turned on the water and shoved he bloody arm under it. He pressed a towel to his cuts and cleaned up the floor. The room was spinning yes, but who cared. He didn't feel pain. He didn't feel anything. Cutting took away the pain he couldn't bear. Cutting was a way out. Cutting was a resort.

He glanced down at his wrist once more.

Such a shame, to ruin an almost clean wrist


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song at the end, in Harry's POV in case any of you were wondering, is Bullet, by Hollywood Undead.

Niall's POV

Niall rolled over when his alarm went off. Stupid thing wouldn't stop ringing. Niall reached his hand over and went to turn it off, but fell short and ended up on the floor.  
"Jesus." he mumbled.  
As he pulled himself up, Niall found himself thinking about other day.  
It would be like any other day of course...but somehow he thought it would be different. Niall scratched his head and looked around. There was something important going on in his life right now..  
The it hit him.  
Harry.  
Harry Styles. The new kid. The kid who pretty much drove Niall insane. Niall couldn't really put his finger on it, but he felt himself attracted to the kid. And the fact that Harry lived right next door didn't help.  
It had been a few weeks since Harry had arrived. Niall and Harry would both open their windows and sit on the roof and talk to each other. And in that short time Niall had learned many things about Harry.

1- His family moved a lot.  
2- His sister's name is Gemma.  
3- His dad is living in LA  
4- He was a hell of a singer  
5- He liked to write in this red notebook  
6- He cut  
7- He was gay

None of that had bothered Niall really. Not even the fact that he was gay. Niall remembered the night Harry had told him.  
They were both sitting on the roof's of their houses (as usual) and Harry glanced at him.  
"Can I tell you something?" He had asked.  
Niall nodded, "You can tell me anything."  
"But this is...different. Usually when I tell people this, they kinda just run off." Harry said.  
Niall smiled, "Harry, I'm your friend. I won't run off. Promise."  
Harry nodded, but didn't seem to believe him fully, "Alright...I'm uhh...gay.." he said the last word quietly.  
Niall smiled still, "Harry, I really don't mind. You are who you are and nobody can change that.  
That seemed to make Harry a little happier, "Well, at least I still have one friend. What about Zayn and Louis?"  
"What about them?" Niall asked, clearly confused.  
Harry looked back with the same confused look, "You didn't know? Well after we saw that movie at the theatres on...Sunday, you know how Zayn was 'sick'? And Louis took him to the bathroom?"  
Niall nodded, knowing fully what he meant.  
"Well, I followed them out, just to make sure Zayn was OK..and well I saw them kissing." Harry said.  
Niall blinked, he saw that one comming from a mile away. It must have been the way Louis and Zayn looked at each other. Like they were totally into each other. Which clearly, they were.  
Niall smiled, "Figures."  
Harry smiled and looked at his phone, "Well its getting late..I'll see you tomorrow Niall."  
Niall stood up, "Bye Haz." he said and waved before climbing back into his room.  
As he brushed his teeth and styled his hair Niall texted Harry.

From: Hazza  
To: Nialler

well i figured u would want a ride. so do u need one?

Niall chuckled. What ride?

From: Nialler  
To: Hazza

ur funny. u dont have a car neither do i.

From: Hazza  
To: Nialler

come outside and ill prove u wrong

Niall slid his phone away and headed outside after grabbing his book bag. He looked towards Harry's driveway and saw a shiny new black car. Niall grinned and walked towards him.  
"Wow. Nice ride." Niall said.  
Harry laughed, "Told you."  
"Where'd you get it?" Niall asked.  
"My dad bought it for me..he had my step brother Jason drive it down." Harry said.  
"Damn." Niall commented as he put a hand on it, "Well, I want a ride in this."  
Harry laughed, "Get in, Horan."

* * *

Harry's POV

Harry sat in lab class next to Louis. Louis was half asleep. Harry rolled his eye's and took out his notebook.

Journal,  
Today was OK I guess. I got a new car. Its black and it drives pretty good. Niall liked it too. I'm finding it that the more we hang out, the more I like him. We talk every night. So I guess you could say I like him a lot. I just don't know how to express my feelings to him..what of he doesn't like me? what of he won't want to be my friend? what if he hates me? I can't our friendship like that. it would crush me. Anyways, mum almost found out I cut. She was going through my drawers the other day and she found everything.   
"Is there something you want to tell me?" She asked, with tears. I couldn't tell her. So I lied and said I needed the knife to carve. The razor to shave. The Vodka I said wasn't mine. And the rope was just in case I needed to exit my room through my window. Then she for serious. She told me to show her my arm's and I wouldn't. That's when Jason showed up and saved my sorry ass. But, I can't believe I lied to my mum..she has always been there for me when nobody else was..but hey, there's one more reason to cut. Great.

If I don't write in you tomorrow, just know I've finally ended my worthless, pathetic life.

-Harry

Harry closed it and looked up as the bell rang. Thank god. He tapped Louis, "Get up Lou. Bell rang."  
Louis waved him off.  
Harry shrugged and left him. He walked down the hallway towards his locker when Bella trotted up once more. She had been begging him to sit with her for the past few weeks. She was so annoying.  
"Hey Harry." Came her voice.  
Harry put on a fake smile, "Hey Bella."  
"Did you change your mind about sitting with me yet?" Bella asked.  
Harry smirked, "No."  
"Why won't you just sit with me once?" Bella asked.  
"Because I don't want to." Harry said.  
Bella looked around and then pulled him to a lonely corner with nobody around, "C'mon Harry. I know you want to." she put her hands on his waist.  
Harry froze. It had been forever since anybody had touched him.  
Bella dragged her hand across his crotch and stopped in the middle, "We can get to know each other."  
Harry snapped out of whatever was holding him back, and pushed her hand away.  
"Sorry Bella. I'm gay." Harry said and walked off, leaving a shocked Bella to do nothing but stare.  
But there was one problem. There was a small tent in Harry's pants. He headed to his locker to find Niall waiting.  
Niall smiled, "Hey."  
"Shit." Harry thought, but said, "Hey Niall."  
Niall looked around, "Come to the bathroom with me."  
Harry thought it odd but followed.  
When they entered the bathroom, Niall locked the door.  
Harry leaned against the wall, "What's up Niall?"  
Niall smiled, "You know."  
"What?" Harry asked.  
Niall shook his head, "Harry, it's clear that you have a major.." he pointed to Harry's pants.  
Harry felt his face flush, "It's not major. It's...minor."  
"Whatever. In any case, you want me to take care of that for you?" Niall asked with a smirk.  
Harry choked on the air he was breathing, "What?"  
"I can help you..get rid of it." Niall shrugged.  
"Uhm..how?" Harry asked.  
Niall stepped closer, "You know how."  
Harry stared at Niall for a dew more moments then grabbed Niall and pulled him close.  
Niall dropped down to his knees and worked on Harry's belt. Harry put his hands behind his head and linked his fingers together. Niall had the belt off already and was unbuttoning his pants. Niall pulled Harry's pants down and let them hang around his ankles. Niall glanced up at Harry and closed his mouth around Harry's exposed shaft.  
Harry closed his eye's as the warmth spread through him.  
Niall was amazing at working his mouth. He bobbed his head back and forth as if he had done it a million times.  
And damn, did it feel good.

* * *

Niall's POV

The day after that went in a blur. Niall didn't know why he did it, but he did. And here Niall lay on his bed, thinking. There was one explanation on why he did it.  
He liked Harry,  
Niall knew he had always liked Harry, but it was even more now.  
Niall stared at the ceiling a little longer and was almost asleep when he heard a knock on his window. He sat up and opened his window, and in came in Harry.  
"How'd you get up here?" Niall asked.  
Harry shrugged, "I jumped." he whispered.  
Niall nodded, "Oh. Well, what do you need?"  
"I need to tell you something." Harry said.  
"Yeah?" Niall asked.  
Harry took a deep breath, "Niall...I think I like you."  
Niall stared back. He couldn't believe this was happening.  
He didn't believe this was happening.  
"Really?" Niall whispered back.  
Harry nodded, "I'm sorry if it makes things awkward.."  
Niall smiled faintly, "I like you too Harry...but I'm still thinking everything through.."  
Harry's face fell and he nodded, "Oh."  
"I do like you though Harry." Niall said.  
Harry turned t head back, "Yeah..sure." he said and glanced back at Niall.  
Niall was watching him.  
"I really do like you." Niall had said.  
Harry didn't reply, just jumped back to his own room.

* * *

Harry's POV

After that, Harry had jumped back to his own bedroom. He closed the window and closed his eye's. He felt a rush of anger. He had just told Niall something very important..and Niall had said 'he didn't know yet' How could you not know of you liked someone or not?  
Harry, angered, yanked open his drawer, and pulled out his knife.  
He headed to the bathroom and rolled up his sleeve. Damn. He was running out of room.  
He went to his other arm. There was much more room. Harry put the knife to his skin, and cut.

One cut, for telling Niall.

Two cuts, for being rejected by Niall.

Three cuts, for letting Niall blow him.

Four cuts, for lying to his mum.

Five cuts, for letting Bella touch him.

Six cuts, for getting turned on by a girl.

Seven cut- 

Harry felt his vision spin. Why was the room spinning? That wasn't suppoused to happen..Harry heard a clank as the knife hit the floor. Harry glanced down at his wrists. He had cut deep.  
Too deep.  
The blood was rushing through his open cuts and dripping down his arm to the floor.  
Harry let out a laugh.   
He had never felt so...free.  
So..painless.  
Harry laughed even harder. Then he remembered why he was cutting. Every reason.  
But did he care?  
Not really.  
Harry laughed harder, and spun a round, a trail of blood following him. Harry collapsed on his bed, letting his freshly cut wrist dangle off the bed. He stared at the ceiling.  
He glanced at his wrist and held it over his head and squinted as the blood dripped onto his face.  
Then nothing.  
Nothing but the black, and the slow realization, that pills would help too.

As Harry woke up later, he felt dizzy still. He shook his head and looked at the blood. Blood everywhere. And a lot of dried blood on his wrist. He sighed and stood up. He cleaned up the mess he had made. He looked around his room. Harry opened his dresser drawer and pulled out his gun. It was something he had found in the basement when they had first moved in. Harry sat back on his bed and looked it over. It had three shots still in it.  
Harry set it down with his knife, razor, pills, rope and vodka. He laid back on his bed and felt the pain slowly creep up him. He wanted to cut, but that might not work. He might hit a vein and end up in the hospital.  
Harry picked up his iPod and clicked shuffle. He closed his eye's when a song he knew quite well came on.

"My legs are dangling off the edge,  
The bottom of the bottle's my only friend,  
I think I slit my wrist's again,  
And I'm gone, gone, gone, gone.

My legs are dangling off the edge,  
A stomach full of pills didn't work again,  
I put a bullet in my head,  
And I'm gone, gone, gone, gone."

Harry listened as the first verse played through. It pretty much described his situation in eight lines.

"Huh." Harry thought, "How ironic."


	3. Chapter 3

Niall's POV

Niall thought about what Harry told him as he got ready for school that morning. Harry liked him and Niall couldn't deny that he liked him back. Niall wanted to tell him that he felt the same and that he wanted Harry to be his..but what would everyone at school think about him? What would his mum think about him?  
And that's exactly why he asked.  
"Mum." Niall asked as she almost walked out the door for work.  
She turned to face him, "Yes Niall?"  
"What if...I was..." Niall wasn't quite sure how to say this.  
"Niall, please hurry I'm going to be late." His mum said.  
'Grow some balls' Niall thought to himself, 'Just flat out tell her!"  
"I think I'm gay." Niall said finally.  
His mum stood there for a few moments.  
"Don't worry about it Niall. I'll love you no matter who you love, just remember that." She smiled and walked out.  
So that was it,  
Niall peeled a banana and ate it. After he finished he walked outside, and almost cracked his head open.  
His whole driveway was covered in a layer of ice.  
Niall tilted his head back to look up to the sky.  
Ash he looked he saw white snow drift down and land on the ground, sticking there.  
Niall stuck out his hand, palm facing upwards and watched as a snowflake floated down and landed in his palm. It sat there for a split second and then it melted.  
It always fascinated Niall the way rain could turn into snow the way it did.  
Niall looked at Harry's house as Harry walked out.  
Niall jogged over to him, "Can we talk?"  
"About what?" Harry asked, pausing on his front porch.  
"Last night." Niall spoke.  
Harry nodded, "What?"  
"I do like you-" Niall started.  
Harry cut him off, "I know you said it like five times."  
Niall smiled, "And..I do want to be with you."  
Harry seemed to freeze up as Niall said this.  
"....Really?" Harry asked.  
"Really." Niall smiled at the taller boy.  
A wide grin spread across Harry's face, and he stepped down and wrapped his arm's around Niall.  
Niall hugged him back with a huge smile.  
They stood there like that for a few minutes.  
Neither letting go.  
Neither wanting to let go.  
They were both wrapped up in the embrace.  
And in that moment, everything was perfect.  
And this 'perfect' lasted for about three weeks.  
Because after three weeks, everything just fell apart.

* * *

Harry's POV

Harry sat in his room sighing. His face was probably red. He could feel it. He looked in the mirror at the very clear handprint that was on his left cheek from a hard slap. It was his mum's new boyfriend. Man, was this guy a dick.  
His name was Daniel. He had brown hair and grey eye's. He was skinny and a major alcoholic.  
Harry had been 'mouthing off' (or so Daniel called it)  
And gotten slapped.  
But that wasn't the first time Daniel had hit him.  
No, Daniel hit him the first day he arrived at the house for saying 'fuck.'  
Harry sighed and glanced towards the drawer that could solve everything. He reached out to open it when someone knocked on the door.  
Harry looked to the door, "Come in.."  
His mum walked in with a worried look. She sat next to him.  
"Oh gosh.." She said touching his red cheek, knowing what happened.  
"Why mum? Why do you let him stay here?" Harry asked, pushing her hand away.  
His mum sighed, and glanced towards the floor, "He says he loves me." she said looking up.  
"Has he hit you?" Harry asked.  
His mum frowned, "That's none of your concern."  
"The hell it isn't." Harry said.  
His mum opened her mouth to talk, but Harry cut her off.  
"You always pick losers and this one is the biggest of all!" Harry said.  
His mum sighed, "You don't understand. If he touches you again, let me know and we'll he rid of him."  
"Whatever." Harry said and walked downstairs, and outside.  
Harry walked around town for all of the day and into the night.  
As 11:30 pm rolled around Harry walked back home, and opened his drawer.  
First, he decided to write in his journal.  
No scratch that. First he added seven more cuts to his arm.  
He never felt so alive.

Journal,  
My mum's loser of a boyfriend hit me again today. He hits me everyday but I'm done with this shit. My mum doesn't even take into consideration about how I feel about this whole thing. She only wants him around so she doesn't feel lonely without Dad, I know it. That's why she picks guys like dad. Drinkers, druggies or abusive men. Which in this case, she picked all three.  
I'm tired of letting him hit me. I'm tired of sitting around doing nothing..Maybe if I wasn't here this wouldn't be happening. Mum need a snap of reality that this guys needs to come out of her damn life. If I ended my life..maybe she would realize that she doesn't need him.  
Anyways, I think tonight is the night anyways. I just have this..feeling..  
I'm going to leave Niall and mum goodbye letters. I will explain why I'm doing this.  
And hopefully in my letter they can read the words without my blood staining the pages. (Sorry about that by the way..)  
I hope that after I'm gone someone reads this.

So this is to whom it may concern,  
Hello. I'm Harry Styles. Before you go thinking I committed suicide because of everything I've written about, you're wrong. I've decided to end my life because it's what best. I see that I'm not needed here for anything. All's I ever do is hangout with my boyfriend and drag a blade across my arm's. Yes, I am upset about my mum's choices but she can't help that..I'm doing this because I have no purpose anymore. I thought things would get better once I started dating Niall...they didn't. I promised I wouldn't cut, but I have done it every night. I'm tired of being unaccepted because I'm gay. It's not right that I'm judged because of who I love.   
So before I go, I'd like to say a few things to people in my life:

Mum: I love you mum..and by the time you will read this it'll be too late. I'll be gone. But just know, that I'll always love you no matter what. You have always been there for me when people called me they gay boy. I love you. Goodbye.

Daniel: Fuck you.

Zayn&Louis: Stay together for me.

Eleanor: Thanks for being my friend. And don't forget, the red dress over the green one.

Perrie: I know you have a crush on Eleanor.

Liam: Thanks for being a good friend. Keep Sophia happy.

Gemma: You're the best sister anyone could ask for. I have missed you over the past few months..Thanks for keeping my cutting a secret. Just know that I love you.

Niall: Oh fuck..where do I begin with you? You mean so much to me..but I'm not changing my mind..sorry. I love you. I really do. And I hope you move on and find someone else who makes you happy..because that's what I want for you..to be happy. I love you, and I always will.

With love, (to everyone except Daniel)

-Harry 

Harry nodded in satisfaction and closed the notebook and wrote letters to Niall and his mum and family.

* * *

Harry looked down at his bloody arm's. He had cut them up pretty well. The room was spinning and the blood kept gushing out. Harry fumbled with the handle on the drawer, but he got it open. He pulled out a bottle of pills and dumped them into his hand.  
Harry titled his head back and brought his hand to his mouth.  
And with a sip of Vodka, he washed all of the pills down.  
Harry laid back on his bed and smiled.  
The room was spinning very fast and his arm's felt like they were on fire.  
Harry glanced down at his arm's and noticed how bloody they were.  
The blood had soaked his bed.  
And his clothes.  
That's when Harry thought about it.

The bleeding should have stopped a while ago..

Unless..

He hit a vein.

Well, wouldn't that be lovely?

And as Harry looked up, nothing.

Nothing but black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's short but intense.


	4. Chapter 4

Niall's POV

Niall had gotten home later,after serving his dentition. He cast a glance towards Harry's house, then pushed open the front door to his own house. He looked around. Empty.  
Of course.  
His mum had gone to Florida for a business trip and wouldn't be home until next week.  
Niall sighed and walked up to his room. He glanced out his window to Harry's room. He looked to his Xbox. Harry was probably busy anyways.  
Niall turned on his Xbox and started Call Of Dusty Ghosts.

* * *

A few hours later, Niall glanced at the clock.  
5:54.  
Niall thought it odd that Harry didn't come over yet. Usually when Niall didn't go to his house, Harry would come to Niall's.  
Niall suddenly got a sick feeling in his stomach..something wasn't right.  
Niall dropped the controller and ran downstairs.  
He flung the front door open and ran to Harry's.  
Niall didn't bother knocking, just opened the door and ran upstairs.  
He looked in the bathroom, nobody was there.  
But there was blood everywhere.  
Niall felt his heart beating hard in his chest.  
Niall headed towards Harry's room and what he saw, crushed his heart.  
Everything changed after that.

* * *

Niall bolted to Harry's side, "Harry?" he said and shook him.  
Harry's wrists and arm's were covered in blood.   
There was an almost empty bottle of pills laying on the floor.  
"Harry!" Niall was now screaming as tears rolled down his cheeks.  
Anne, appeared in the door and slapped a hand over her mouth, she ran to Harry's side.  
Niall jumped back and called an ambulance.  
He explained what happened, or what he had seen.  
As the ambulance sped away, Harry grabbed Harry's car keys off his dresser and ran downstairs and took Harry's car to the hospital.  
They wouldn't let Niall into the room to see what had happened.  
Niall sat in the waiting room, with his face in his hands.  
Anne opened the door and walked to Niall.  
"Niall?" She asked.  
"Yeah?" Niall asked looking up at her red eye's.  
Anne didn't say anything more, only handed him an envelope with his name on it and notebook with scribbling all over it.  
Niall glanced up at her as he reached out his hand and took the envelope and notebook.  
Niall ripped the envelope open and read the letter.

Dear Niall,

So, I guess if you're reading this, you finally got my letter. Good. And it also means that I have succeed in ending my life. I know this might be hard on you, but I did what I thought was best. I saw no meaning in my life, well except you. I just wanted to let you know that I liked you from the moment I saw you. In the principals office. That's when it began. I don't know when it began for you, or if you even do really like me..maybe you're just taking pity..I really hope that's not it, but if it is..you're a pretty good actor. But just know, that not matter how you feel, I'll always love you. No matter what. I love you.  
Goodbye Niall.

Love,  
Harry.

Niall read the letter over and over again. He couldn't believe this.  
This wasn't real.  
This wasn't happening.  
This wasn't reality.

Only it was real.  
It was happening.  
And it was reality.

Niall was about to open up the notebook when the doctor walked out.  
Niall stood up.

"Are you Niall Horan?" The doctor asked.  
Niall nodded, "Yes..how is he?"  
"Well, it seems as though Harry, was a daily cutter. Suicidal. Things like that." The doctor said.  
"Oh.." Niall said as he heard about the daily cutting.  
"Its my guess that Harry was cutting and he cut too deep and...well..he hit a vein." The doctor said.  
Niall froze, "Is..is he gonna be okay?"  
"It would seem so." The doctor said.  
Niall sighed in relief, "Thanks." he said as the doctor nodded and walked away.  
Later, they allowed Niall into the room.  
Niall pulled up a chair and looked at Harry who was not awake.  
"Hey Haz." Niall said as his words got caught in his throat.  
"I'm glad you didn't..you know.." Niall felt the tears gather up in his eye's.  
"I just don't know..why you would want to..because..I love you and I can't believe that you would want to leave me..if you had told me about what you were feeling..we could've worked through this..but..you didn't even try. Harry, if you can hear me just know that I love you and that I always will."  
Niall said that as his eye's filled with tears. He stood up, and walked out.

* * *

Harry's POV

Harry heard Niall. He heard every single word..  
Niall did love him. He wasn't just pretending that he did.  
Harry instantly felt bad for trying to end his life, for almost leaving Niall.  
How could he have done that to a boy who did love him?  
How could he think that Niall didn't love him?  
How, how how.  
But, when Harry thought about it, he got some answers.  
Yes, he did love Niall.  
And he did it because he really wasn't needed on this hell of a place he called 'home.'  
And the more Harry thought about it, the more he planned his next attempt.  
And this time, he wouldn't fail.  
* * *

(A week later)

Harry sat in his room staring at the wall. It had been a week since the accident.  
Since Harry tried to commit suicide.  
Harry had lost his notebook after losing conciseness. He had torn his room apart looking for that damn thing. He had no luck finding it.  
Harry sighed and pulled his earphones out of his ears and tossed his iPod aside. He wasn't really in the mood for music.  
Harry had heard his mum talking to Gemma about the accident.  
She had said, "He tried to overdose..yeah. He promised he wouldn't do it again. Of course we took the pills away."  
Harry sighed when he thought about the conversation  
He remembered when he promised he would not touch pills and try to overdose ever again.  
The doctor had made him. And Harry was willing to keep that promise.  
But that didn't mean Harry didn't have a rope.  
That didn't mean he would try to commit suicide again.  
No, he wouldn't take pills.  
He wouldn't even touch them.  
No, that's why he had rope.  
Harry pulled out a piece of paper that he had hidden under his mattress a long while ago.  
It said:

X, for failed plan.  
[blank], for succeed.

Overdose- X  
Hang self-  
Jump off a bridge-   
Gun- 

Harry looked towards the rope which was now in his closet. He walked over to it and picked it up. He looked around his room and found the perfect spot.

In one week, Harry would be gone.

This time, for real


End file.
